My Story
Doug was actually my second husband and truly an answered prayer when he came into mine and my oldest son, Anthony's, lives. We had been living with my grandparents for about five years and as the memorial page says, he came to give my grandma a bid on some tree work and there was where it all began. I had been through many hurts in my past starting with an alcoholic mother and a husband who was also drinking and cheating on me. I went to Catholic school for eight years and had my son Anthony in Catholic school when we met Doug. I had prayed for him for five years. My prayer was to meet someone and not have to go to work and leave my children. My mom always left my sis and I home alone, and it was always important to me to be able to be with my kids. I had worked, though, since I was 14 yrs. old.
Anyway, Doug had a tree service and I ended
up helping him by answering the phone and paying bills...a secretary. So I was able to stay home and work and raise Anthony and soon to come Ryan and then Desiree.
We were married for 11 years. We became Christians about seven years ago. Though I knew God and prayed all the time and had a strong faith, it was nothing like when we became Christians. We had biblical marriage counseling for about four years, and it was so awesome for both of us. Anthony graduated from our Christian school last year and Ryan and Desiree are still going now. They go three days a week and I home school two days a week.
In late June of 1999, Doug started getting pains in his chest. His dad had just had a quadruple bypass, so he thought it was his heart. He went to the doctor right away and they said it was gas. One thing after another it ended up that on September 9, 1999 he was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and given two months to live. The cancer had spread to his lungs, liver, bones and lymph nodes.
You can imagine the shock that we all experienced. He was our provider. I had been out of work for about 14 years and was scared to death. Thank God for our church, Foothills Christian Fellowship and the angels that the Lord put into our lives from there. Also family, neighbors, and new friends let us know that the Lord was always there with us, no matter what.
Doug's doctor talked to us about giving him some very aggressive chemotherapy thinking that because Doug was so young (39 years...40 years, October 22, 1999) and strong, his body would be able to handle it. Because he wanted to live, he decided that anything was worth a try. By November, they informed us that all of the tumors were shrinking. We now had some hope. We were hoping and praying that he could live long enough for a cure to happen, but the Lord had different plans.
He was pretty sick from the chemo and cancer and had a lot of pain. He was taking Morphine. He was still operating our tree service, but coming home and sleeping whenever he could. By February, the tumor markers started rising which meant the cancer was growing again. The doctor had to raise his level of pain medication and by March I was worried that the business was becoming too much for him.
Doug was so brave through this whole thing. I used to wonder what he was thinking when he would just lie there quietly. He had so much he wanted to do in life. The kids and I were so important to him and I know he was concerned about what was going to happen to us with him gone. He wasn't afraid to die. He knew he would be with the Lord. But in his unselfishness, he wanted to stay here and take care of his family.
On March 17, 2000, he made a phone call and sold the business. By that afternoon it was gone. The phone wasn't ringing any more, the trucks were gone, the workers were gone, and all of the equipment was gone. It was a day that I will never forget. I thought the Lord left us.
This was when my neighbor, Lois, shared with me that all of the people that had stepped in to help us, one way or another, but each in their own special way, were angels sent from God. He didn't leave us, but He was with us now more then ever. We learned so much through this trial that the Lord had allowed into our lives. We learned how to appreciate each and every day that we had with each other. Time is so very precious. There are things that are important in life and then there are things that are IMPORTANT in life.
The wonderful people from Hospice came into our lives, and from that point we just watched and waited for Doug to go be with the Lord. He made it until May 22, 2000. It was as if we all knew it would be that day. On Sunday, the day before he died, I had prayed and asked the Lord if he would let Doug say one more thing to me before He took him home. Doug hadn't talked for a few days before and it was hard to have him so close yet so far away. He was actually in a semi coma. But that very day that I prayed that prayer, I was giving him medicine and he started to choke. I told him that I was sorry and he looked at me and told me that he was okay. I knew that the Lord wanted me to know that Doug was going to be okay.
Then on the morning of May 22, Ryan, our middle child, decided to go to school. Before he left, he went to his daddy's bed and said "Bye dad...I will see you in Heaven." Even our dog, Misty, went to his bed and lay her head on the edge of the bed by Doug's hand and cried. Anthony and Desiree were home from school that day and Doug's two sisters, Leandra and Lorraine, (who I had asked to come and help me) were here with us. Pat, our Hospice nurse was also here. I had prayed the whole time that the Lord would let me be with Doug when He took him and to this day I thank Him for allowing it to happen the way it did.
The nurse knew the time was close and called me to be with him, and as I watched him struggle to take each breath, I knew that he was going to a much better place than this. A place of no more tears, no sickness, no sadness, no pain...only joy and peace. As I stood there stroking his head, the Lord took him home.
My husband, my lover, the father of my children, our provider, and my best friend...now gone from this life, forever. WHY? I will see him again someday, in Heaven, but he will never be my husband again. Who will take care of him now? Will he see his children as they do all the things that he didn't want to miss out on? If there are no tears in Heaven, then how could he possibly look upon me and our children and see how sad we are? So many questions ran through my mind. I searched for the perfect book that would help me to understand. Nothing! Over and over in my mind I heard…"trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding." "One day at a time." "Don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" It was these Scriptures from the Bible that helped me so much. That and all of the angels surrounding us…family and friends.
I knew that my children needed me now more than ever. Life must go on. I wasn't sure how, but I knew that there was some plan from the Lord that I must accept. Would there be joy in our lives ever again? How would my children be affected? I will forever be thankful to those special people who stood by our sides. Although it wasn't easy, we made it. Today, there is joy in our lives and a reason to live on.
As I sit here typing, the memories flood my mind. Doug and I were very close. We did everything together with our children. Wherever we went, he had my hand in his. When he was gone, I truly felt like a part of me was missing. But as I would spend time with my children, I felt very blessed to have them to keep the loneliness away. Ryan was very close to his daddy, yet he would pray many times a day for a new dad. One that would love us and our family and above all, love the Lord. There was a part of me that knew we wouldn't be alone and there was a part of me that worried, "would there be someone who would love these children like their dad did?" Since I was so blessed with having Doug be such a perfect dad to Anthony, I knew how possible it was for someone to love a child that wasn't blood related. Doug was always Anthony's dad, the only dad he ever had.
What is the right and wrong of me even thinking about a new dad and husband? One thing I did know and that was the fact that Doug was gone and nothing would bring him back. I remembered over and over each and every time he said to me "Babe, I want you to remarry. You can't be alone, you are young and have your life ahead of you and the kids need a dad." Then I had so many different opinions from those around me. Who really knew though? None of them had gone through what we had gone through. I missed my husband so much and the kids missed their dad so much. But what were we to do?
In the midst of the trials, the blessings were
still coming. Two of Doug’s sisters even came to the conclusion that this home
must have a name and the name should be "Miracles". I agreed. I was
struggling with the people who bought our tree business. Especially after Doug
was gone, they just didn’t want to pay. It wasn’t only that…I had never
met anyone so mean and heartless in all of my life. I was very afraid because
that money and Social Security was my only income. I couldn’t even think of
having to leave the kids at this time and go out and look for work. It looked
even worse since I had not been in the working field since 1986. My job was my
children and helping Doug with the business. I didn’t even have the energy to
think about it.
The Lord actually put a very special angel into
my life, an attorney who is in Orange County. I have not met him in person to
this day, but he is now and always will be very special to me and my children. I
knew that he was straight from God. I spoke with him on the phone and explained
my situation to him. I faxed all the information that I had and he called me
back the next day. He said he would help me pro bono. To be quite honest, at the
time, I had no idea what pro bono meant. I just knew that I wanted him to help
me. As soon as we hung up, I called my sister and asked her what pro bono was.
She replied in two words…For Free! With all my financial fears that I had,
this was the biggest blessing I could have had. Not only did this man help me
with the business sale, but he would take his precious time and use it to just
listen to me. He helped me with financial questions that I would have or
anything that I might be unsure about. I didn’t know how to ever repay him. I
knew that he was married and had a son and the kids and I began praying all the
time for them. Things have worked out; and although it isn’t perfect the money
is still coming in, and I have this man to thank. I don’t know if he will ever
know what a huge part he played in my healing process, but I still pray that God
will bless him and his family. Another trial faced and God right there to help
us through. But the sadness and emptiness still remained.
Doug passed away in May and we made it through okay until the holidays. Right after Christmas, I realized that I needed some help and so did the kids. Anthony, being almost 18 at the time, was pretty much on his own; but Ryan and Desiree were young enough to accept the help. I called Hospice and spoke with a very sweet girl, Merrie, and she talked to me about all the options that I had. I was feeling shy to go out and be around other people and she told me that they could actually come to my home…one counselor for me and one for the kids. What a blessing it was to hear that from her. I had been praying about the situation; and I knew this was an answer of many, straight from the Lord.
Merrie and Lauren began coming to our home, and it was such a blessing to council with people who knew all about death. It was their job. I trusted and appreciated their time, help and words of encouragement. They also were touched by the relationship that I had with my children. They said it was something that they rarely saw. They said that the way we communicated was wonderful. I worried that without a father in their life, my children would not be okay; and they assured me that there are many children in the world that don’t even have one good parent. It was obvious to them that what Doug and I had been to our kids was enough to keep them going on and be great children. They were amazed at how Ryan and Desiree both wanted me to meet someone special and have a dad once again in their lives…never feeling any less love for the daddy they lost.
The kids and I prayed constantly, Ryan praying
for a dad in every prayer, ending it with "God, can you please tell my dad
that we love him and miss him." For me, I didn’t see how anyone could
ever take the place of a husband like Doug. Just looking around at my home and
children showed me every day the love and caring heart he had for us. As the
months passed though, I realized that it wasn’t only Doug who was providing,
it was the Lord who was allowing him to provide. The Lord continued to provide
even after Doug was gone. He even gave us more by answering prayers quickly and
by the peace we felt in our hearts. I even had friends calling me and asking me
to pray for them because they knew the Lord was answering me so quickly.
Many people told me that TIME is what would be
needed to begin the healing process. In the beginning I couldn’t even
comprehend how that could be possible. The feelings that I was experiencing
couldn’t possibly go away. The pain in my heart, I couldn’t even put into
words. But as the minutes, hours and days passed something happened.
Ryan wanted to play soccer. I honestly didn’t
want him to. It seemed so tiring to me. My energy level was so low--just
mentally exhausted and all of the time. It was so hard for me to understand. I
am normally a very active person, but it took so much out of me just to do the
smallest things. I knew that I was depressed, but I also knew that I had to go
on. Every day, I had to clean the house, take care of the kids, shower and take
care of myself. Church every Sunday, as usual. The Lord was my medicine for
depression. I didn’t need alcohol or drugs…only the Lord.
I prayed about the soccer and knew it would be
wrong for me to deprive Ryan of something that would be really good for him. We
went to the first meeting and then the first practice. How amazing it was to me
that there were so many Christians that would be sitting around me at all the
practices and games. I knew again that the Lord was taking care of us. I felt
again that these people were angels surrounding us with love and prayers. And it
gave me so much joy to watch my son be a little boy. Though in my heart was this
place of sadness because Doug wouldn’t be here to share in that joy. I must go
on though. What is it you want me to do, Lord? Patience, my child, is what was
in my mind.
I would tell myself that I must be very special
for God to take my husband. He doesn’t allow this to happen to just anyone.
There is some special plan in this, and I just don’t know what it is yet. Will
I ever know while I am here on earth? It doesn’t matter. My goal is Heaven. I
will do what the Lord wants me to do and that is all that matters right now. He
will be the father to my children, and He will be my husband for now. That is His
promise straight from His Word.
In February, one of my very special friends
introduced me to a man who she thought might be good for me. I had been
introduced to a couple of other men, but there was nothing there. This man’s
name was Bob. There was something there between us. I just don’t really know
what it was. After about five months of many issues the relationship came to an
end. I have to say that I did love this man. It was very painful when we stopped
seeing each other. I didn’t know if it was just because he was the first man I
had feelings for, since Doug or what it was. I’m not one to love just anyone.
But if this was true love, then why all the issues and would I be willing to
live the rest of my life dealing with them all. And what about my children? This
wasn’t what would be best for them. Bob thought we were too loving and he didn’t
feel that he could fill Doug’s shoes…so to speak. He made me feel that we
would be a burden to him. He said he loved me and to me this was not love.
Though it hurt, when it was over, I knew that the Lord had something else in
mind. I didn't really know why the Lord brought Bob into our lives, then, but I
do now.
Not only was this hard on me but I was also
dealing with everyone around me and their opinions of what was right and what
was wrong as far as even having anyone in mine and my children's lives. Was it
too soon? Was I going to get hurt? Were the kids going to get hurt? I knew that
it was only because many had a very protective feeling over all of us because
they knew the situation and knew that we were very vulnerable. But still, this
was my life and these were my children and it was us that were living life
alone. No one had gone through losing a husband and a father at such a young
age. Is there a book or a rule that says what the time limit was? One month, six
months, one year, five years. This was when I really trusted in Hospice. They
would know. They had experience in this situation. They told me that there is no
set time. It depends on the individual. They felt that we were strong enough and
ready to move ahead. Doug was not coming back. If we met someone, it was a good
thing. Our lives must go on. There are no promises in anyone's lives as far as
things always going perfect. You never know what the future holds. Be cautious,
but move ahead
How much pain could I endure? Pray, pray, pray.
Lord, what do you want me to do? Patience, my child. As I said, the Lord was
answering our prayers very quickly. It was only days after it was over with Bob
and I went to get my nails done. The girl who does my nails had been wanting to
introduce me to someone who works for her husband, doing stucco; but it just
hadn’t been the right time. She saw how sad I was this day and picked up the
phone and called Jim. It was July 12, 2001. I will always remember this date
because it is Jim’s mom’s birthday. She told him that she had someone she
wanted to introduce him to and handed me the phone.
Feeling very protective of my children, I realized that they would be at Vacation Bible
School that very evening, so this might be a good time to have him come over.
Waiting has never really been a great quality in me and all I wanted to do was
meet him. Our talk was brief. He was going to dinner with his family
to celebrate his mom’s birthday, but he could come over right after. In
the meantime my aunt had called and was having some problems with my grandma.
She was even crying on the phone, so I invited her over to stay with
me for the night. I really didn’t know how things would work out but I
knew that it was in the Hands of the Lord.
I
took the kids to church and came home and called him to let him know that I was home so he could come over. I actually felt very relaxed. I was
relaxing on the couch in the front room and suddenly heard a loud knock on the
office door. This kind of shocked me because no one ever came to that
door. I have a front door and back door also, and wondered who was there.
I opened the door and there Jim stood with a pie in his hands. He came in
and we went to the kitchen. It was a pretty hot day and he was so nervous,
the sweat was coming down his forehead. I offered him water and we really
just talked. After a few minutes, we went out front and that was when my
aunt arrived. He left shortly after, and I was feeling pretty stunned.
I thought he was nice looking but had some doubts about him. I spoke to my
aunt about it, and she personally had a really good feeling about him. She
told me to give it some time and not judge him right away.
It
wasn’t until later, after we got home from picking up the kids from church,
that I remembered the banana cream pie in the fridge. We had a piece and I
decided to call and thank him for it. He asked if I would like to go out
with him, and I said okay.
Another
one of my friends had also introduced me to another man who I really didn’t
have much attraction to at all. He also had asked me and the kids to a
movie and we actually went. I had talked to Bob in the in between too and
been praying LOTS AND LOTS. I had called Kelly, my nail girl, and shared
what my fears were with Jim, and he knew right away because she told her husband
and he told Jim.
I
did know that it was worth giving Jim a chance. I was attracted to him, and
as time went on…a movie together…he came over and trimmed my hedge, with
Ryan out there helping him the whole time…he took us to lunch the same day and
traded lunches with me since what I had ordered didn’t look so good…I really
did begin to feel very close to him. We eventually started seeing each
other every day and when he would go home at night, we would talk on the phone.
It really didn’t take long for us to get to know one another.
I
shared the video of Doug and our family that was shown at the memorial, and I
also let him listen to the tape that Doug left for me and the kids. It was
all very new to him because he has never really lost anyone to death that he
was close to. Having a relationship was also new to him since he had never
been married, and of course having children was a whole new way of life since he
had never had children. I would pray to the Lord and talk to Doug and ask
for guidance and wisdom. Jim started talking about wanting to get married
by August and we were engaged on
I’m sure everyone was shocked and somewhat nervous for me. Things happened so
fast. I felt so sure though and I knew that the Lord was right there with
me and my three children. He had been there with us through everything
else. He would not let us go now. We had met Jim’s family, Mom
Ceil, Dad Jess, his brother Pat, and Grandma Freda. They treated me and
the kids excellent. So far in life, they didn’t have any grandchildren,
so they welcomed my children with lots of love. Since they had only the
two boys, having me as a daughter was a blessing to them. Grandma Freda,
full blooded Italian, reminds me so much of my Grandma Teresa, that
I know the Lord brought her into my life to fill the void that has been in my
heart since my grandma has had Alzheimers. I think the feeling was mutual
that we knew we had all been blessed.
We set our wedding date for
The
doctors felt that they could get all the cancer with surgically removing it
and they scheduled the surgery for November. Although she was in the
hospital for Thanksgiving, everything went very well. The cancer was
completely removed. She didn’t have to get chemo or radiation and what
a blessing that was. I had called Hospice but never actually spoke with
anyone. While she was in the hospital on Thanksgiving Day, my uncle was
in the same hospital, without my knowing it, and had passed away.
We were celebrating the day at my house and the call came that morning.
We had the turkey in the oven, but were able to go over and visit the family
for a while. I was thankful to not be alone through all of this. I
was learning more and more that Jim and I would be there for each other,
through the good times and also through the bad times. I knew in my
heart that Doug would be pleased.
Jim
and I would sit and talk and he would say things to me like “I hope that I
am treating you and the kids the way Doug would want me to”, or “Today at
the park I was pushing Desiree on the swing and I hoped I was making Doug
happy”. It was a shock to me that he cared so much to even think that
way. Then I would watch him play baseball with Ryan, teaching him how to
throw, bat and pitch. Doug never got to see his son play sports or his
daughter do gymnastics, but the Lord has blessed us with someone who really
does care. Even with Anthony, he has so much patience and understanding.
As
I sit here remembering, I can again see the miracles in the storms In
church, our pastors often talk about how we need to always be thankful for the
good things and not dwell on the trials that we all go through at one time or
another. I am glad that I can open my eyes and see all the blessings. It
was amazing how soon after I met Jim, school would be starting for the kids.
Pastor and his wife had assured me that I wouldn’t have to worry about
tuition. My fears were very high about even the thought of having to put
them into public school. Well, for the first year after Doug had passed
away, I had no worries. Every month I would get a statement and it would
show me the scholarship from church paying the bill. Thank you for
providing, Lord. In August, (the month right after I met Jim) I received
the first statement for school which would be starting in September.
This statement showed me that I would have to pay half the tuition now, which
basically only covered one child. At the same time, Jeff, the guy who
was buying the tree business, started playing games with paying me. It
had pretty much been that way from the beginning, but enough would come in to
pay the bills and enable us to live pretty good. Honestly, I panicked. I know
what God’s Word says about how we are not supposed to worry, but it was
quite hard not to. Jim offered to help; but I did not accept because he
had just come into our lives, and I knew it was not his responsibility.
I
was feeling upset at Pastor for not keeping his word to me, but then I also
realized that we are all human and not one of us is perfect. The Lord
was allowing this to happen for some reason, so now I needed to put my trust in
Him and move ahead. I made a phone call to Pastor, and believe me, it
took some time for me to bring myself to do it. I just wanted to know
why. My income was the same…actually worse because Jeff had gotten so
far behind on his payments, so why? Pastor told me that he wanted me to
see what the Lord would do as far as providing. He said he had a list of
people who needed help. I wondered and even asked how many were widows.
I never really got an answer; but he did tell me that if I couldn’t make a
payment, then I should call him and it would get taken care of. He
assured me that my children would never be kicked out of school. I also
had the option of changing the kids to two days a week instead of three, but
this would also mean that they would have a different teacher. I
couldn’t even imagine them being away from Mrs. Lee and Mrs. Waugh, who were
so wonderful with both Ryan and Desiree as they went through the trial of
their daddy getting cancer and then dying. I knew with all of my heart
that when the kids were away from me on school days, they were in very special
hands. I will always be grateful to both of these women, and so will my
children. I hope they know what a special part the Lord gave to them
during our trial.
This
place I was in was so uncomfortable. I would never want anyone to miss
out on financial help of tuition because of me. The pain in my heart was
deep, but I knew I had to give it to the Lord and would listen to what Pastor
said and see what the Lord would do. If this meant that it was time for
me to start figuring out what I could do for work, then so be it. The
year before, I had tried working in the office at school but still
didn’t have the strength or desire to do anything other than taking care of
my children and our home. Soon after I received another
statement, and they had lowered it some and I started making the payment.
The Lord provided, and I never had to ask for help. Thank you again,
Lord.
Here we are now in October of 2003, and I'm wondering how to continue My
Story after so much time has gone by since I have written anything. My
most precious sister, Lorraine, (Doug's sister) who had been working on
my website, has lost some of her vision because of some medication she
was taking for her Lupus; so I didn't have anyone to get my information
on the site. Now my precious sister in the Lord, Jennifer, has offered
to help me; so that has given me some incentive to get back to typing.
That and the many people asking me when I am going to get back to My
Story. I pray that the Lord will refresh my mind and give me peace as I go back
in time through the good times and the bad times, too....
After lots of prayer, I felt with all of my heart that the Lord wanted
me to marry Jim. I knew that we were meant to be husband and wife and
that He brought us together so that we could help each other in a way
that only He knew. We planned our wedding day to be 02-02-02. Not only
was I sure but the kids were so happy and excited that I continued to
know that I was making the right decision.
After careful planning, in five months from the day we got engaged, we
became man and wife and father and children. Our wedding was so
blessed. Pastor didn't leave a dry eye in the church when he finished
talking with Jim and I and the kids. I had asked him if he would
mention Doug but wasn't really sure how it was going to turn out when
the time actually came. It would have to be done in just the right way
so that we would be sensitive to Jim but yet not forget about Doug. God
was definitely with Pastor that night when he spoke because he knew
exactly what to say. How emotional it was to say those wedding vows
again and repeat the words "until death do us part". And to even be
standing in front of my pastor who had done Doug's memorial and who now
was marrying me to Jim.
Again, through the trials come the blessings.
Jim and I left early the next morning for Kauai, while Anthony stayed
home and Ryan and Desiree stayed with Grandma and Grandpa Dunlevy. It
was a perfect week of honeymooning! It was such a blessing to see some
more of the beautiful world that the Lord created. I so much
appreciated the time to visit a part of Hawaii which had been a dream of
mine since I was young. After losing Doug, I also realized how short
and precious every day of life is, and it was a huge blessing to have had
the chance to have a dream come true.
It seems like the time is here now to say "and they lived happily ever
after". But as I have to keep reminding myself, this is life before
Heaven, and it's not time yet for the happily ever after. The Lord is
doing some really special work in me. I sometimes get so tired of
hearing, "you are so strong". And, yes, I do get very overwhelmed at
times, too. The feelings that I feel are new to me. I still miss Doug
even though I am happily married. It's a hard place to be. Some times
are harder than others.
My biggest concern is my children and as I watch them with Jim,
it gives me peace. It's been harder for Anthony, who I have always felt
like I somehow lost when I lost Doug. My pain for my oldest son is very
deep in my heart. When Ryan and Desiree and I had counseling, Anthony
did not. He loved Doug, who was the true father to him, loving him,
teaching him, disciplining him, playing with him and always being there
for him. He was there for him the most important years of his life.
But it was very obvious to me that sixteen was a very hard age to start
becoming a man and then lose your dad. No one will ever take Doug's
place for Anthony. Ryan and Desiree, being so much younger have
adjusted very well. They wanted a daddy and Jim has been excellent with
them. Although he is always there for Anthony, I think it's just harder
to establish a father son relationship when the child is older.
After coming back from our honeymoon, real life began. Jim had
started teaching Ryan how to play baseball, and it was his first season
of playing in the minors. Desiree had been in her gymnastics and
tumbling, and Anthony always on the run. It is always such a blessing
to watch Jim with my kids. It was a period of adjustment for all of us.
Jim, never being married before and not ever having children, was truly
learning a lot real quick. I have to say that he has done really well.
Though we've had our disagreements, we can work things out quickly. He
has also had to learn how to be a husband to a woman who lost her
husband to cancer. A woman who loved that husband with all of her heart
and who had a lot of years invested into that marriage.
To Be Continued.......
